Hello Again All,

I'm not sure really where to begin, so if this doesn't make a lot of sense,
I guess it's because I'm still sorting things out.

I first went to church around the age of 15 or 16. My sisters had become
Christians, and they tried to convert and convince the whole family that,
that's where we all needed to be.

I was in and out of church for the next 20 years or so. In and out of sin,
living life, trying to find my dreams and being pulled in the Spirit the
whole time.

I can remember in my early 20's, I had been going to a Pentecostal
church not to far from my house for awhile, and for whatever reason,
one not while laying in bed, I decided to open my Bible and sit and read
for myself. It only took a few short minutes to realize that we (Christians)
were being lied to about everything!

I didn't see it all in that moment, but I spent the next couple of years reading,
studying everything I could find, and eventually giving up on the whole "church"
thing because I seen it as a big lie and money making scam. Everything they
(the Christian church) said had nothing to do with God and His Word, I could
see that much, and frankly, I was hurt and angry.

I went on with life and at this point, there is really no need to explain what I
was doing, it was simply a life of sin. During it all, I could always feel God calling
me to Him. Every once in awhile, I would pick up the Bible and study, and every
time I would see more and more truth.

I can remember talking with people who would tell me I needed to be ready
for the rapture, and I would try to explain to them that, that was a lie from
their church fathers and pastors. People saying that we were not to live by
the Law any more or we would burn in hell, and I would simply laugh. They
had no clue, but who was I really but another sinner myself?

So, through it all, I was learning yet still in sin. Can that actually happen? I
don't know, but that's how it's happened for me. I've been through about all
that someone can go through and do, jails, drug addictions, sexual desires,
in many different death metal bands, you name it, I've done it. Please
understand, I'm not trying to glorify any of it, sin is sin, but I need you to
hopefully fully understand what's going on in, and with me, and my thoughts
and feelings.

So, 11 years ago I got married. I met this woman over the Internet (of all
places), and she was a very "Christian" woman. In fact, to put this in simple
terms, she is the woman I had been praying for, for many years. I had just
gotten cleaned up from addictions and was changing my life and searching for
my Creator in a way I never had before. So my wife has been very supportive
of me and my search, although she thinks I make things to hard. But I simply
want the unadulterated truth, I want God, I want my Father, and I want His love!

About 5 years ago, I really got into study and research. Purchased a Strongs
and was going through the KJ Bible using the Strongs seeking truth. What I have
found has simply blown my mind, that we (people seeking God in general) have
not only been lied to, but we actually love the crap that gets shoved down our
throats. Reminds me of Jeremiah 5:31!

OK, so here's the thing...

I've been through all of the above and more, and yes, I admit that I have done
it all by myself and to myself, and there is no one to blame but myself. As of late,
I can no longer fight and deny that there is no such thing as an Old Testament and
New Testament (more man made crap), but only The Testament of God. Period.

I can no longer deny that the Law was NEVER done away with!
There is no rapture!
There is no holy trinity!

Should I go on?... I think you get my point here.

I have come to realize all of these things, and as such, either I am totally lost
(as most think) or for whatever reason, Gods Spirit is leading me to find these
truths.

BUT, I am struggling every day with past sins! It's driving me crazy!

What do I mean?... Well, I cannot forget many things I have done, and I wonder
why God would lead me to these truths when I have been so far from Him and sinned
against Him and His Holy Laws. I deserve to die, and I know it! I have no right to
His Kingdom for any reason!

Why then does He persist in driving me (if it even is Him driving my desire), my inner
man to incessantly desire to learn what's true!?

And I used to think that I feared God! But in the last couple of weeks, I am truly
fearing Him. And I don't mean like I want to run away or something, heck, where
would you run anyway!? No, I mean like understanding the total finality of who
He is! Just saying or hearing His name makes me want to weep and fall on my face!
My God in Heaven have mercy on me! On all of us!

I also feel like I'm being attacked around the clock most of the time. I mean there
is sin everywhere in everything, you can't even open your eyes, this crap is everywhere!
And the racing thoughts in my head of things I've done and how I will never enter His
Kingdom!

It's maddening! I'm weeping as I type this it's so real and true.

And the opposition is getting increasingly great!

I can't help it, but I hate Christmas and all of these pagan holidays we've been
brainwashed into. But my wife and her family just cannot let go of these things. It's
becoming a heavy stone to carry around.

I want so badly that she and my kids would start following Gods Laws, but we're starting
to butt heads. Well, the kids love Christmas! Yea so, God has tons of greater things we
can take part in! Maybe His holidays? His Feasts?

But I've come to the point and have decided no matter if I enter His Kingdom or not,
I will do my best to learn what He wants from His people and follow it. His Commands
are Just and True and He is Holy!

I'm sorry for carrying on, but I have no one to talk to. All of my family have nothing
to do with God or anything Spiritual, and most of my family on my wifes side are all
Christians. It can be a very heavy thing to start getting into things with them. I'm not
into arguing or hurting someones feelings. Maybe that's wrong, I don't know.

There is so much to learn and do, but is there any time left? What about all of His
holidays? I don't know, I feel all alone here. Where are all of His people!!!??? Why
are we all so far apart?

I know that God chastens those He loves, so some times I feel like this is all
happening because He wants me to keep seeking and working at it, and other times
it's like Satan is speaking in my ear saying (dude, you remember all of that stuff
you did, man you ain't going nowhere, God doesn't even hear you!).

Can anyone relate to any of this?
Am I the only one who feels this way?

I don't know. Any input would be welcomed. I need to hear from others who feel
similar. Like God is revealing things to us that no one else is seeing.

Am I losing it?

Why in the World would He reveal these things to me? I'm an awful person, there's
no way He would want me. I think it's pure and simple conviction of my sins, what I've done.
No way to hide and deny it any more.

Any input/help/insight/friendship is welcome. Thanks for letting me vent.

Patrick

P.S. Hope this is in the right forum section.

Well Patrick, I guess you are finding out there are lies, and then, there are whoppers. Religious and political schemes contrived by man are what lead us away from Yah. You sound like I did not much over a year ago. I couldn't help but cry when I realized just how far I had strayed from my Father. I was use to enjoying this life through indulgence also. I never knew when to stop, even if my wife was threatening me back then. It's called being addicted to the easy life and not ever considering His desire for me to walk away from the trappings all men encounter. Some men may seem strong in His teachings to you by reporting to their local church 2 or 3 times a week and trust me on this, alot of it is for show, and then alot of them have concerns to be saved by a man that they have made into a, "god." I find it usefull for me to expose their errant upbringing. I do it out of love for my Father. Does it get me into arguements with people? Most of them would say, "yes." To me it's not argueing though, I't's more a desire for me to help others with what I have found, and in that I condemn most of what they were raised into believing, much like myself at one time.
My stated goal is to walk towards perfection, Patrick, and I'm far from that, but in that walk you too will eventually encounter, YHWH. In my own journey, I feel He and I are building a relationship that no man can tear apart. I so dearly cherish Him now that He's in my thoughts in everything I do. Can I do everything right, no! Will I try my best for Him, yes! Will he correct me like a loving Father does when a child strays too far, I know He will and that's howcome I trust Him. I want my Father to rely on me, like I do Him.

Patrick, my welcome to you, also. I must say, like all of us, you are indeed fortunate you appeared on this site. It is truly like none other. As you surely have realized from the responses you have received, the people here are genuine in their concern for whatever problems noted. You may trust the friendship offered and we hope you take advantage of it. Stay active, reach out. There are many arms here to help support you. Your contributions in return will help others.

Thank you all so much for your responses. It has helped
immensely.

Yes, I am learning many, many things about Yah that are
never talked about elsewhere, and are in fact, what is pulling
me out of this depression of past sins. I never really made the
connection with Yah being our "Father" until most recently. Yes,
people talk about it, but they never really get into the real
meat of it.

Maybe this is a wrong analogy, but just as my physical dad has
never disowned me for things that I've done, he may not have
been happy and didn't like what I had done, but he was always
there, pushing me to get cleaned up, pushing me to think
differently, and always loving me. We actually have a very good
father/son relationship today.

When I start looking at Yah in this way, it brings tears to my eyes.
To think that the Creator of not only me and you, but He who created
the Sun, Moon, stars, planets, and the Galaxies could actually look
at me and love me even more than my Earthly father... well it's
very moving and awe inspiring. You mean I can actually cry out to
Him "Daddy, Daddy, help me!"?

OK, so I'm a grown man of 46 years young, and men are not suppose
to cry and all that, but I can't help it! My Creator wants to actually
have a Father/Son relationship with me? That just amazes me! And
it's awesome!

Now, I do have some questions for you all, but I will have to post a
little later as my 2 boys are wanting me to play right now, and I can't
miss this opportunity.

But thank you all so much, it means everything to me to talk to and
hear from others who're seeking the truth!

Patrick

God's name is Yahowah. Yasha'Yah means 'salvation is from Yah' and you're used to seeing that as Isaiah. The Ma’aseyah's name is Yahowsha’ and it means 'Yahowah saves'. We get the pronunciations by looking at how the letters are pronounced in other common Hebrew words. You will see Yahowah written as Yahweh or Yahuweh in Yada Yahweh because it needs to be updated now that we know how to pronounce it.. and also because Yahweh is searched for commonly in google, so that helps bring up the site when searching. Same goes for Yahshua and Yahushua. The correct spellings are in the Introduction to God.

Hi Patrick...

If you send a request to yada@yadayahweh.com... Yada will gladly send you the most recent draft.

Welcome to the forum.

Steve